[STORY] >nog titel loos< [ENGELS]

Ik ben laatst begonnen aan dit verhaal, het gaat over een meisje [ik moet nog even op een passende naam komen sugesties zijn welkom], ze leeft in de toekomst; de rest moet je zelf maar lezen :stuck_out_tongue:

Preface
With shaky fingers I tied the ribbon with the letter around her fragile neck. She watched me carefully with her big blue eyes. “Where are we going mommy?” she wondered.
She was so innocent, but she had such a great task.
She was the world’s only hope.
“We are going for a walk honey” My voice was thick, full of sadness. I took her hand and walked into the forest.

Forest
Carefully -trying to make as less noise as possible- I placed my foot on a knob and began climbing the rock. Leo had been right, we should have moved yesterday. But it was too late now, the army already discovered the camp . I tried to turn out the screams of agony and surprise as I concentrated on climbing the rock. Finally I found an flat surface and curled up in a ball. Was it accidence that Leo sent me out to collect wood? Or did he realise that the army was coming? I rubbed the small tattoo on my wrist, it was weird shaped and had a strange script. I didn’t knew how it got there; it already had been there when Leo and his family found me; a three year old girl lost in the forest. They where one of the last free people in the world. The rest had been transformed in robots when the new controlling chip had been introduced. The screams where fading now, but I couldn’t bring myself to except the reason behind that. I carefully listened to the buzzing sound of the flying platforms and the shooting sounds of the chip injectors. After a hour or two they finally faded away. I stood up,and climbed back down the rock. I still tried to make as less noise as possible; maybe they were still in the area. I immediately started running when I reached the ground; but I knew there was only a little chance that anyone had managed to hide ore get away. Leo had told me many times about the weapons the army used. They had many sensors; for sound,smell, and temperature. And of course guns and catalepsy ray’s. We had chosen the Brazilian rain forest for a reason; it was so warm and noisy here that they couldn’t find us by our temperature ore sound. But they could by smell. Finally I reached the clearing where our camp had been.Most of the tents had been destroyed, and the ground was covered with chip’s. I checked every tent that was still standing for survivors but they where empty. They where taken away, back to the city’s to serve the reign. The chip in there head would receive commands from the large computer and there body’s would respond. They would live a life without meaning, a life without freedom. I slowly walked to the large tent in the middle of the clearing; Leo’s tent. The tent had been searched through; bags and random things where spread across the floor. But one bag seemed to be untouched. Why wasn’t it searched trough like the others? I sat down on Leo’s sleeping bag, and reached for it. It was a small brown leather bag, with an dark brown handle. I opened the bag and sighed in surprise. In the bag were two letters; one old looking one and one that seemed brand new. I grabbed the new looking one first, and carefully opened it.

[i]Dear ,
When you get this letter, I’ll be probably taken away to the city.
You need to get out of the rain forest as soon as you can!
In the bag you will find a compass, just walk to the North!
There’s also another letter in the bag, it’s from your mother.
It was on you when we found you, and it said we should wait with giving it to you until you were sixteen.
You are only fourteen now, but the time is almost gone.
Read it carefully and then go!

I hope than one day
everybody will be free again
it al depends on you
good luck

Your Leo
[/i]

As soon as I finished reading, I grabbed the other letter from the bag. I would have felt angry with Leo because he didn’t hand it to me before, I had the right to read it! But I couldn’t, I would probably never see him again,the pain was stronger than the fury. The paper of the letter was turning yellow, but the letters still were easy to read.

Love,
If you get this letter you are probably Sixteen, Congratulations!
Please don’t be mad, it’s really the best that you know this as late as possible.
The day I write this it’s January the first of the year 3020, the day that an new controlling chip is going to be introduced . Every human being on this earth will get one chip in his brain, the chip will receive orders of an large Computer and their body will respond. The reign’s are been working on this project for Fifty years; the whole human race will be slaves.
There is only one person who can stop that.
You.
As you probably know there is a small tattoo on your left wrist, an oval with an inscription.
That my dear, is the key to the freedom of humanity!
The only way to stop this frenzy, is to destroy the Large Computer, but it’s to dangerous to write it’s location down. But the tattoo on your wrist will lead you to it. The oval figure is a map, that will lead to one of my friends, he can translate the inscription to find de Large Computer. Please hurry up, it al depends on you now!
I love you
…, your mother.

I stared in shock at the letter. I read it over and over again, but of course the words stayed the same

There is only one person who can stop that.
You…

This most be a joke! But when I stared at the tattoo on my wrist I knew it wasn’t. The script was written in exactly the same script as the letter; my mothers script. And the strange formed oval was a map, why didn’t I see that before? It was brazil! I recognised it now from Leo’s cards. Far in the north there was a little cross; that must be the location of the friend. Panic flew trough me as I realised I was in the south. Walking that would take weeks! And what if the friend was already caught? Or moved? Or what if I got caught? I was only fourteen and all alone! But my mother was right, the world depended on me now, I had no choice, I must do this. For my mom, for Leo; and for all the other people in the world. I put both letters back in the bag, and stood up. I walked to the place where once had been my tent; there only was a cloth now. I grabbed it and started looking for stuff I would probably need. After an hour I had; A compass, the two letters,some fruits, some water bottles,a chip,sandals,a watch,and a flashlight. It was a few, but it was all that I could carry. For the last time I looked back at the destroyed camp, and then I disappeared in the forest.

For a long time I walked in the direction de compass showed. It was warm and my half destroyed dress stuck at my back. Now and then I stopped to drink or rest. I had no idea where I was, I’ve could been walking in circles and not noticing it; it looked al the same! Slowly it grew darker and darker. Just when i begun to panic-there where many wild animals here-, I reached a small clearing. I set up my tent; and built a fire to keep the animals away. It was one of the few things Leo had learned me when I was younger. He also learned me to hunt, but I didn’t like it much. I hated killing other creatures. But it seemed it would be necessary soon, my hunger was growing fast.

leuk verhaal
waarom doe je het in het engels?
en je schrijft ‘ore’, maar dat moet eigenlijk ‘or’ zijn

Ik kijk er gobaal naar en ik zie ALLEEN maar I dat leest niet leuk alleen I I I en engels is niet leuk omdat de meeste de zinnen gewoon niet goed schrijven…

dit verhaal (voor zover ik het gelezen heb) heeft perfecte engelse grammatica, dus niet goed schrijven, hoezo?
De ‘‘I’’ staat er omdat ‘‘ik’’ in het engels altijd met een hoofdletter moet en dus gewoon bij de grammatica hoort…
Ik lees wel eens vaker engelse boeken en ik stoor me er eigenlijk nooit aan.

dit is wel 1 van de beste engelse verhalen die ik tot nu toe heb gelezen.
natuurlijk zijn er wel wat schoonheidsfoutjes
als ‘op’ en ‘ore’ en de verleden tijd van ‘put’ is ook ‘put’ en niet ‘putted’
voor de rest vond ik 't een erg goed verhaal

ik doe het in het engels omdat ik engels een mooiere taal vind dan nederlands :slightly_smiling_face:
ik heb het verbeterd :slightly_smiling_face:

ik heb een proloog toegevoegd :wink:
nieuw stukje;
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I couldn’t sleep that night, so instead I sat outside the tent and watched the flames rise and fall. I thought about my mother, where would se be? In Brazil? Or some where else? Was she chipped? Or was she hiding to? I grabbed her letter from the bag and read it over and over again, searching for some hidden sign where she was. And finally, with the letter clenched tight against my chest, I fell asleep. I woke up late in the morning, first totally panicked because the other tents where gone. And finally remembering what happened yesterday. Some part of me had hoped that it was all a stupid nightmare, but when I closed my eyes and opened them again I was still alone. I slowly packed my stuff, and covered the fire place with sand and leaves, so the army wouldn’t find it.And then I started walking again. After a couple of hours I realised the forest was getting hotter, and the amount of tree’s started to go down. I sat down and grabbed the map from brazil out of my bag. I must be somewhere south west, the map showed that the rain forest was making place for savannah. Great. There where no trees there, and with this weather I would burn alive. But there was no other way, if I would follow the rain forest to the west, it would take a month longer. I sighed, and put the letters back in the back and continued walking. The trees disappeared fast and I could feel the heat on my skin. I tried to stay in the shadows from the few trees, but it was difficult. After two hours I sat down under an big tree panting from the thirst and the heat. My whole dress stuck at my body and I smelled awful. When I reached for the water bottle, I noticed it was almost empty. I needed to find a river soon. I was glad to notice that the sun was sinking, and I started looking for a spot to set up my camp. I slept better that night, it seemed colder here at night than in the rain forest. But instead of sleeping until late in the morning, I awoke at six, from the burning sun on my tent. I walked all day, glad to find some stream’s to fill the empty water bottles, an refresh my body.

Mooi verhaal!
Ben benieuwd hoe het verder gaat, zo kan ik mijn engels tenminste wat verbeteren :woman_student:

bedankt!
ja ik heb het plot al af, dus ik weet al hoe het afloopt :stuck_out_tongue:
spannend word het zeker :stuck_out_tongue:

Het is heel erg Nederlands-engels zeg maar. Daardoor is het niet goed Engels en zitten er qua zinsbouw, woordjes en uitdrukkingen best veel fouten in. Het idee is wel leuk vind ik, maar jammer dat het daardoor niet fijn leest (:

kan je enkele voorbeelden geven?
dan kan ik daar op letten :slightly_smiling_face:

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En dat is alleen maar de proloog. Sorry, maar je hebt echt wel een hele hoop fouten om het in het Engels te schrijven. Heb verder de verhaallijn nog niet aangekeken, aangezien de hoeveelheid fouten afleidend is, maar ik zou je aanraden om een beta-lezer te nemen die goed is in Engels, want incorrecte grammatica/spelling/interpunctie/zinsbouw… leidt af van een verhaal dat misschien juist wel heel goed is.

bedankt voor de tip :slightly_smiling_face:

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Er zitten wel wat fouten in: (dikgedrukt is verbeterd)
But it was too late now, the army already discovered the camp.
and curled up in a ball.
Please don’t be mad, it’s really the best that you know this as late as possible.
As you probably know

En volgens mij zitten er nog wel meer in, alleen ik ben niet zo goed in Engels. Dus ik zou iemand vragen die heel goed is in Engels om het nog een na te lezen. Het verhaal vind ik trouwens wel leuk.

I slept well,too tired to even care about my burned back. Days past,sometimes I hunted small animals, and I often cried myself to sleep,feeling enormously lonely. Now and then I had nightmares, but I couldn’t remember them when I woke up. I had been travelling for six days now, and I still had no idea where I was. I just followed the compass to the north. Often I stared at the script on my wrist, trying to make sense of it, but I failed. Finally, after eleven days of travel, I found a sign of live. I immediately thought of Leo when I found the fireplace, hidden with leaves and sand. But that was impossible, Leo was in the city, serving the reign. It was difficult to think about Leo, he had been my only friend. We were like one soul, always guessing each others feelings. I really missed him. I walked more carefully now, knowing that I could find people soon. I hoped they would be “free” people, otherwise I maybe wouldn’t come away this time.

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